May 19

After British Airways flight BA293 reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is John Stirk – your captain for today. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York JFK to Manchester . The weather ahead is good, and we have a following jet-stream, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight, arriving 30 minutes before our scheduled landing time. So sit back, relax and ………… OH, SH#T!”

Absolute petrified silence followed from all the 225 passengers!

A few seconds later, the captain came back on the intercom:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!”

One relieved passenger broke the silence, and shouted back:

“You should see the back of mine mate!”

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Sep 22

The Mexican

Americans Comments Off

The American businessman was at the pier of a small Mexican coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.”

The American then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish.

The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria. Then I stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles, and eventually New York City where you would run your expanding enterprise.”

The fisherman asked, “But señor, how long will this all take?”

“Fifteen or twenty years.”

“But what then, señor?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.”

“Millions, señor? Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire and move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandchildren, take siesta with your wife Maria, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

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Jun 09

Mandela was enjoying a hearty breakfast – bacon, eggs, coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when Bush (chewing gum) sits next to him and starts a conversation:

Bush: ‘You South Africans eat the whole bread?’

Mandela: ‘Of course.’

Bush: (blowing bubbles with his gum) ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa.’

Mandela: ‘Oh Really?’

Bush: ‘D’ya eat jam with the bread?’

Mandela: ‘Of course.’

Bush: (chuckling and crackling his gum) ‘We don’t, in the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa.’

Mandela: ‘Do you have sex in America?’

Bush: ‘Of course we do.’

Mandela: ‘And what do you do with the condoms?’

Bush: ‘Throw them away of course.’

Mandela: ‘We don’t. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America.’

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