Jokes.za.org

Tips from Employees To Their Managers

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it’s a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.

Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost-of-living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

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Staff reviews….

These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5. “When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.”

10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

11. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

16. “He would argue with a signpost.”

17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

19.. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored,he’s the other one.”

20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

24. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.”

32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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