Jokes.za.org

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies,’I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..’
The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch?
”What’s so special about it?’
The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’
The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’
The woman giggles and replies
‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
‘ Bloody thing’s an hour fast!’

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After  having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn’t afford a larger bed. So the husband  went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to  have any more children..

The doctor  told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the  problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go  home, get a large firecracker, light it, putit in a beer can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband  said to the doctor, “B’Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the  world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to  my ear is going to help me with my problem.”

“Trust me, it  will do the job”, said the doctor.

So the man  went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can  up to his ear and began to count:

“1, 2, 3, 4,  5,” at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his  legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This  procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania .

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Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either 

side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a

beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to 

speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: – I reckon he’s an accountant. 

Eric: – No way – he’s a stockbroker. 

Phil: – He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: – ‘Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: – Oh! What’s that then? 

Suit: – I’ll try to explain by example… Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: – Er… Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens! 

Suit: – Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: – It’s in a pond! 

Suit: – Well then it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! 

Suit: – Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: – As it happens I’ve got a five-bedroom house…built it myself!

Suit: – Well given that you’ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week! 

Suit: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: – Me? Never. 

Suit: – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!

Phil: – How’s that then? 

Suit: – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!

Phil: – I see! That’s pretty impressive…thanks mate! 

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. 

Eric: – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: – Yep! He’s a logical scientist! 

Eric: – What’s that then? 

Phil: – I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? 

Eric: – Nope. 

Phil: – Well then, you’re a wanker.

written by \\ tags: Aussies, Idiots