Jokes.za.org

Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking chain letter forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. 

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Victoria’s Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you’re going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel fromsome “omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care. 

Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity. 

P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!

written by

d, boyfriend or lover and send him to the woman whose
name appears at the top of this list.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,877 men. One
of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.

Do not break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her own SOB back.

At this writing, a friend of mine already has received 184 men. They buried
her yesterday. But it took three undertakers 35 hours to get the smile off
her face.

Please hurry up and send this letter along, so my name can move up faster.

written by

This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and
discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost
anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally
tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and
send her to the man whose name appears at the top of this list, and
add your name to the bottom. When your turn comes, you will receive
6,255 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you
already have. At the time of writing this, a friend of mine had already
received 184 women, 4 of who were worth keeping.

Remember – this chain brings luck. One man’s cat died, and the next
day he received a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. You can be lucky too,
so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN One man broke the chain and got his
own wife back.

written by

Dear Citizen of the Internet Age,

I am contacting you as I have been told that you are an articulate, intelligent, well educated person, although I don’t know you personally (but I am sure you are all of the preceding). I am not allowed to tell you which one of your friends gave me your name, but if you forward this letter onto everyone in your address book, someone is bound to own up.

I recently applied for a position as a librarian at the National Bank of Nigeria. Unfortunately their whole budget for the next two hundred years appears to have been directed into a number of foreign banks in the names of other people. I am telling you this in confidence, only to prove to you that this is a genuine letter. However, I am writing to you to appeal for your assistance in another matter.

Apparently I was born with a Sense of Humor. This condition was not diagnosed until my early adult years, but it seems to have been passed on to my three children. The genetic link is difficult to trace back to my parents or grandparents, as they may well have been telling jokes without my realising it – as a child, like everyone else in the world, I never listened to the oldies.

My condition is now being complicated by my career as a librarian. Like many other librarians with a sense of humor, we are all suffering terribly. We laugh when everyone else is being dead serious; we see humor in situations that others find stressful; we send each other jokes and cartoons; we even think that some of the things we do (and our clientele) are cause for laughter. The list is endless. At this time, there does not appear to be any treatment available for Librarians with a Sense of Humor.

Therefore, I intend to start a charity fund that will rip money off gullible people, in support of research into this little known area. So far, I have raised awareness of this serious and debilitating handicap through an online journal, Warrior Librarian Weekly, which is very much a support mechanism for sufferers of Library Humor Syndrome, and their families. I would like to invite you to ‘drop in’ (in a virtual sense only – the house is too untidy for visitors at the moment, and we are almost out of coffee – at least until I can get to the supermarket):

http://warriorlibrarian.com

Some people will find the contents of this website disturbing. You might even discover that you yourself, or someone you know and love, is an undiagnosed sufferer of Library Humor Syndrome. While this condition is easily covered up for the majority of sufferers, librarians themselves are particularly prone to ostricization and isolation because of this condition.

When you visit the web site, you might even find some of the material offensive. Beware of graphics that show photographs of librarians in their workplace – particularly if you are not familiar with conditions in most libraries.

In order to illustrate actual cases of librarians with a Sense of Humor, it has been necessary to use real photographs. Perhaps you are in one of these? It is hoped that you will take this as a compliment and not start legal action or anything expensive that involves people with briefcases.

Please forgive my lack of spelling errors and grammatical mistakes, but English is my first language. I did try to insert some, but my spell checker kept correcting them – and I got bored with putting them back in. Hopefully this letter contains enough mistakes to give it the illusion of authenticity.

Please give generously to this unregistered fund for medical research into the serious condition of Library Humor Syndrome. Make sure that you send this letter to everyone in your address book.

I did ask Microsoft to write a program that would automatically do this, but I’m still waiting to hear back from them. You’d think ‘that in this day and age’ that someone would have already thought of this. It would be a great way to pass messages around the Internet! I intend to take out the patent on this idea, and use the royalties for this medical fund. So if you find out someone is using a program that automatically sends emails from the recipient’s address book, please let me know so I can either sell them the patent, or go into partnership with them. Or something.

Biblia, the Warrior Librarian

written by

WITH STUPIDITY, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE
This letter has been sent to you to stop you from sending out chain letters. The original was written in the 3rd century A.D. by a deranged member of the Most Holy Post. That version vanished during the Spanish Inquisition (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition !!!!!!!!!). More recently, it was communicated telepathically to Shirley MacLaine by monks on the planet Mongo in the eighth dimension. Now it has been sent to you. Good things will soon be happening to you if you follow the instructions given in this letter.

This is no joke! If you do what this letter says to do, every person who owes you money will repay you. The IRS will never audit you again. Hugh Hefner will invite you to house-sit at the playboy mansion while he and the missus go on a six month vacation. Finally, you will be spotted by a head hunter and whisked off into the fast paced life of an insurance salesman in Kansas.

To get all of this good fortune, you must keep this letter for the next five years. If at any time during that time you receive a chain letter, don’t send out any copies of it. Instead, you must send this anti-chain letter back to the person who sent you the chain letter (If you don’t know who sent it, send a copy of this letter to a random person). At the end of five years, do the following ‘de-briefing’ ceremony, and you will be done:

Throw salt over your shoulder.
Throw salt over Zha Zha Gabor’s shoulder.
Throw Zha Zha over your shoulder.
Walk under a ladder.
Do the rhumba under a ladder.
Pray the rosary.
Pray the zippity-doo-dah, zippity-ay.
Drink Vitameatavegimin (3 tablespoons at a time)
Mix 2 frogs, 3 locks of Michael Jackson’s hair, 2 turtledoves, and the remains of this letter in a cauldron and boil at 375 degrees for 2 hours and 3 minutes.
Place the whole mixture in the microwave on saute for 6:53 and place in serving bowls, then chill.
Gargle, then spit.

DO NOT IGNORE THIS LETTER. If you do, nuclear war is a definite possibility. You will develop psoriasis, gout, hemmhoroids, herpes, and/or a common cold. Some day you will definitely die if you ignore this letter!!!!! Furthermore, your next-door neighbor will start a manure farm in his backyard and begin playing the bagpipe (late at night usually). You may even be forced to spend an evening with an accountant and an insurance salesman discussing their work.

A police officer from Temecula won the publisher’s clearing house sweepstakes. A girl in Chicago got the letter and continued sending out chain letters anyway. She died a month later when a ream of paper fell off a truck and crushed the Fahrvervgnugen out of her Volkswagen Bug. Madonna obeyed the letter and discovered the razor. A lot of women didn’t follow the letter’s instructions and became mothers of Wilt Chamberlain’s illegitimate children.

Don’t send out those chain letters and see what happens. You will be shocked to find that none of their curses come true. The person you send this anti-chain letter to will be heartily amused, and besides, its much easier to send out one copy of this than 5 or 20 copies of some dreary chain letter.

Do note the following: All of the passengers of the Titanic received this letter. When someone on the boat started a chain letter going, they all ignored this letter and passed it along, and the result is history. Dick Grayson carried out the letter’s instructions and became Robin, Batman’s Boy Wonder. Both Mike Tyson and Robin Givens received this letter and threw it away. Then they got married. Clarence Thomas followed the letter’s instructions. Charles Keating didn’t.

In 1987, the letter was received by a young woman in California. It was very faded and barely readable. She promised herself that she would not send out any chain letters. A year later she forgot, and when she received a chain letter, she faithfully typed out the ten copies of the letter and placed them in envelopes. She developed breast cancer, and the doctors told her she would lose both breasts. While rummaging through her desk looking for a bottle of sleeping pills, she found this letter. She immediately threw away all of the copies of the chain letter she had prepared. The next day, the doctors told her they had mistaken someone else’s X-ray for hers, and that she was perfectly healthy. Now she’s a showgirl in Las Vegas.

Remember, send no chain letters. Do not ignore this letter.

Malookie Nookie

It Works

written by