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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma’am, I’m afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don’t have one.

Traffic Cop: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

written by

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN GAUTENG

1. Indicating will give away your next move. A real Gauteng driver never   uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and  the car in front of you, or the space will be filled by at least 2 taxis, two Golfs, a BMW and an Uno, putting you in an even more dangerous  situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It’s a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in Gauteng during rush hour. That’s why it’s called ‘rush hour….’

8. Just because you’re in the right lane and have no room to speed up or  move over doesn’t mean that a Gauteng driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help – you will be mugged.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Gauteng is the home of the high-speed slalom  driving thanks to the Metro Police Department, which puts holes in key  locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keeps them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in Gauteng to honk your horn at cars that don’t move  the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building  nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.

12. Remember that the goal of every Gauteng driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It’s people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.

14. A solid white line is the same as a staggered line in Gauteng . The Metro Police Department just have to save paint to buy new cars for all  the new directors. A solid white line next to a staggered line means they have sorted the directors out and the paint contract has been awarded to their wives.

Now guys go out there today and make Gauteng proud!!!

written by admin \\ tags: driving, gauteng, south africa, speedcops