Jun 19

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

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May 10

Two old friends were just about to tee off at their golf course When a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, ‘Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.’

‘Not a problem’, they said, ‘Come join us’. They began play and enjoyed the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked, ‘What do you do
For a living?’ ‘I’m a hit man’, was the reply. 

‘You’re joking!’ both friends responded.

‘No, I’m not’, he said, as he reached into his golf bag, pulling out a Beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. ’Here are my tools.’

‘That’s quite a sight’, said the one friend, ‘I think I might be able To see my house from here’.

He picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction Of his house.

‘Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can See right through the window. I can see my wife in the bedroom and she’s naked! Wait, that’s my neighbour in there with her … he’s naked too! 

The bit*h!’
He turned to the hit man, ‘How much do you charge for a hit?’ ’I do a flat rate, one thousand dollars every time I pull the Trigger.’

‘Can you do two for me now?’

‘Sure, what do you want?’

‘First, shoot my wife. She’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the Mouth. Then the neighbour, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot His dick off to teach him a lesson.’

The hit man took aim with the rifle, standing perfectly still for a Couple of minutes. 

‘Are you going to do it or not?’ said the friend impatiently.
‘Just be patient’, said the hit man calmly, ‘I think I can save you A grand here!’

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Apr 29

Golf Balls

Golf Comments Off

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of
dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them
into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to
him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed
after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A
bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, “It`s all right ma`am, they`re
just golf balls.”

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said,
“Tell me – is that something like tennis elbow?”

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Apr 29

Toughest Golf Shot

Golf Comments Off

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his
exasperated partner says, “What’staking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”

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Apr 29

1. Look at the size of his putter
2. Oh shit my shafts all bent
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip
6. Lift your head and spread your legs
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired
8. Just turn your back and drop it
9. Hold up.. I’ve got to wash my balls
10. Damn, I missed the hole again

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