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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma’am, I’m afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don’t have one.

Traffic Cop: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

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An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies,’I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..’
The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch?
”What’s so special about it?’
The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’
The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’
The woman giggles and replies
‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
‘ Bloody thing’s an hour fast!’

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SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.

‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

‘What are my choices?’ John asked.

‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said.

The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads, ‘ Low Bridge Ahead.’

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’

The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,

Or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,

‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

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