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Dear diary, I am a simple man, I don’t smoke, drink or go out to night clubs. I am Loyal to my wife and don’t flirt with a strange woman. I go to sleep at eight O’clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. but all this will change as soon as I get out of jail !
A middle-aged couple had two beautifu l daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’ The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.
The only cow in a small Karoo town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Bloemfontein for R200. They brought the cow from Bloemfontein and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.” The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Bloemfontein ?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Bloemfontein ?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Bloemfontein .”
Two old friends were just about to tee off at their golf course When a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, ‘Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.’ ‘Not a problem’, they said, ‘Come join us’. They began play and enjoyed the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked, ‘What do you do
For a living?’ ‘I’m a hit man’, was the reply. ‘You’re joking!’ both friends responded. ‘No, I’m not’, he said, as he reached into his golf bag, pulling out a Beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. ’Here are my tools.’ ‘That’s quite a sight’, said the one friend, ‘I think I might be able To see my house from here’. He picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction Of his house. ‘Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can See right through the window. I can see my wife in the bedroom and she’s naked! Wait, that’s my neighbour in there with her … he’s naked too! The bit*h!’
He turned to the hit man, ‘How much do you charge for a hit?’ ’I do a flat rate, one thousand dollars every time I pull the Trigger.’
‘Can you do two for me now?’ ‘Sure, what do you want?’ ‘First, shoot my wife. She’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the Mouth. Then the neighbour, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot His dick off to teach him a lesson.’ The hit man took aim with the rifle, standing perfectly still for a Couple of minutes. ‘Are you going to do it or not?’ said the friend impatiently.
‘Just be patient’, said the hit man calmly, ‘I think I can save you A grand here!’
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