Jokes.za.org

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me. I was coming home from Greenwood Avenue and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX

P.S. Your girlfriend phoned.

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A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Golly,I wonder what happened to this parrot?’

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’ ’Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’

‘I got every word,’ says the parrot ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird …’ 

‘Oh yeah?’ the man asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’

‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, Iwrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. Youcan’t see it because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t you?’

‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can convers with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me.

I’d be a great companion.’

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’

‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me ’cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!’

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, ’Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.’

‘What are you talking about?’ asks the man.

‘When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’ the guy says incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’ 

‘Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’ he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’

‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…’

Then the frantic man screams, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!’

If this doesn’t make you laugh, you’re having a really bad day

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A woman comes home and tells her husband, ‘Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone .’
‘No more headaches?’ the husband asks, ‘What happened?’
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
‘I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.’
It Worked! The headaches are all gone.’
The husband replies, ‘Well, that is wonderful.’
His wife then says, ‘You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?’
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’ He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, ‘Boy, that was wonderful!’
The husband says, ‘Don’t move! I will be right back.’
He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’ With That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
‘She’s not my Wife.
She’s Not my wife.
She’s not my wife…’
His funeral service will be held on Friday.

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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year.’

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, ‘That’s more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him.’

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said,’That’s once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one

The husband looked at her and said, ‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.’

The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

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