Jokes.za.org

An Irish alibi is the proof that you were in two places at once.

written by

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.

‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

‘What are my choices?’ John asked.

‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said.

The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads, ‘ Low Bridge Ahead.’

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’

The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,

Or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,

‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

written by

   1.  Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

   2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”

   3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”

   4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

   5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

   6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

   7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”

   8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

   9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.

  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

  11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

  13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

  16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.

  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

  18. Honk and wave to strangers.

  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

  20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

  21. type only in lowercase.

  22. dont use any punctuation either

  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.

      ”DO YOU HEAR THAT?”

      ”What?”

      ”Never mind, it’s gone now.”

  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

  27. Ask people what gender they are.

  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

  30. Sing along at the opera.

  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

written by

Sometimes… when you cry… no one sees your tears.

Sometimes… when you are in pain… no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes… when you are worried…no one sees your stress.

Sometimes… when you are happy… no one sees your smile.

-

Maar Poep net ……………..

written by

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive…….

So I took her to a petrol station

written by