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Dear diary, I am a simple man, I don’t smoke, drink or go out to night clubs. I am Loyal to my wife and don’t flirt with a strange woman. I go to sleep at eight O’clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. but all this will change as soon as I get out of jail !
Little lucy wants to take Lulu her pet dog for a walk. “Mommy , Mommy, Can I please take Lulu for a walk?” “But she is on heat my darling” “What does that mean?” “I think you should go and ask your father, he is in the garage” Little Lucy goes to her father. “Daddy , Daddy, Can I please take lulu for a walk?” “I asked mommy ,but she said Lulu is on heat, I asked her what does that mean and she said I must come ask you.” The father takes the dog and covers the dog in petrol “Ok my dear you can take her for a walk, but make sure to keep her on the leash and only go around the block once” The little girl now excited runs of with the dog The little girl shortly returns with no dog The father asks “Where is Lulu!?” The little girl replies ” Oh don’t worry, half way around the block Lulu ran out of petrol so another dog is pushing her home!”
A middle-aged couple had two beautifu l daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’ The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’ ‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bough t one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work. |
