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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine.”

He lost 33 kilos that week.

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After British Airways flight BA293 reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is John Stirk – your captain for today. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York JFK to Manchester . The weather ahead is good, and we have a following jet-stream, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight, arriving 30 minutes before our scheduled landing time. So sit back, relax and ………… OH, SH#T!”

Absolute petrified silence followed from all the 225 passengers!

A few seconds later, the captain came back on the intercom:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!”

One relieved passenger broke the silence, and shouted back:

“You should see the back of mine mate!”

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This Joke is a bit rough, I wouldn't want some innocent kid reading this, so please....

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde chap were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.” 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed: “Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.” 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, “Polony  again! If I get another  polony sandwich again , I’m jumping too.” 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too 

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the  polony  and jumped to his death as well. 

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!” 

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realise he hated Burritos so much.” 

(Oh this is GOOD!!)? 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, 

Moenie na my kyk nie! Hy maak sy eie fokken toebroodjies.

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A PhD graduate and an ordinary man went on a camping trip, set up their tent and fell asleep.  Some hours later, the ordinary man woke up his PhD friend:  ”Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?”

The PhD man replies:  ”I see millions of stars.”  

The ordinary man asks:  ”What does that tell you?”

The PhD guy ponders for a minute:”Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Satan is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  

What does it tell you?”

The ordinary man is silent for a moment, and then speaks:  ”Practically……..it tells me that someone has stolen our tent”.

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