Jokes.za.org

The Judge President of the Cape Bar went duck hunting in rural Limpopo Province . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the judge climbed over the fence, an elderly Afrikaans farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing…

The Judge responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it..’

The old farmer replied, ‘This is my property, and you are not coming over here.’

The indignant judge said, ‘I am one of the most important judges in South Africa and , if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.’

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Limpopo Province. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’

The Judge asked, ‘What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?’

The Farmer replied, ‘Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.’

The Judge quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He also liked the idea of kicking an Afrikaner so he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the Judge. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the judge’s groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the judge’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The judge was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the judge very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ‘Okay, you old Afrikaans fart. Now it’s my turn.’

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.’

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be

confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man.

“If I could take a couple minutes of your time,

I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered

vacuum cleaners.!!”

“F*** off!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money” and she

proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said.

“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.

” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t all over her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*t from

your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a f***ing good appetite, because Eskom

cut the electricity this morning!!!”

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A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Golly,I wonder what happened to this parrot?’

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’ ’Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’

‘I got every word,’ says the parrot ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird …’ 

‘Oh yeah?’ the man asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’

‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, Iwrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. Youcan’t see it because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t you?’

‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can convers with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me.

I’d be a great companion.’

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’

‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me ’cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!’

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, ’Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.’

‘What are you talking about?’ asks the man.

‘When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’ the guy says incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’ 

‘Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’ he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’

‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…’

Then the frantic man screams, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!’

If this doesn’t make you laugh, you’re having a really bad day

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Marketing 101

Several friends have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following examples will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Spam.

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WHO’S IDEA WAS IT THAT WE SHOULD WORK FIVE DAYS IN A WEEK ? (WHY NOT THREE?)

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Did you ever stop and wonder……

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.”

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to
a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

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